Apparently, you are not supposed to curse around children.
I know this because of the looks of utter horror and shock from relatives and friends when I get excited while telling a story I think is interesting, realize halfway through that I am losing their attention, turn it “blue,” and have the filter turned off** with kids around.
What I have found recently, is that the Frontal Lobe Brain Council in my skull has elected, and staffed, a swearing police office that now makes me a tad more warry from blurting out words and phrases that I am worried MY child might pick up.
Now, I understand that he only currently speaks in poop, baby babble and sustained screaming and is many months away from stumbling upon and actual phrase, but what IF, he is a quick learner? Not from my genetics of course, but from some distant relative whose family branch did not extend through the Sioux City, Iowa area.
I’ve come up with a few words to replace the more harsh/questionable phrases that will most likely end up on the comment cards our daycare provider hands to us when picking him up. Join me in learning what may be more offensive than the original cursing!
For those of you who are not amateur sadomasochists who watch the Twins on a regular basis, Trevor Plouffe is a young man who, like 90% of the team, has no business playing in the major leagues or collecting a major league check. He fell ass-backwards into a starting position based on the team being SO awful, that his horrible play, lack of hitting, inability to field, general hippie-like-locks and dumbfounded look on his face could not deter the managers/decision-makers from letting him out on the field on a regular basis.
Uses: “Go Plouffe yourself!” or “Plouffe my Life” or “That guy is a Plouffe-ing idiot” or “Plouffe You!”
I got hooked on watching something called “The Bachelor Pad” last year, because it made me feel like a better person knowing that my life was not involved in a desperate race to kill my mother of embarrassment on national TV. But what’s worse, is that now I HAVE to watch the “Bachelorette” in order to know the characters in the next season of “The Bachelor Pad.” And because this season was so awful, I now consider it a curse word.
Uses: “I have a cold and feel pretty Bachelorettey today” or “Eat Bachelorette!” or “Grover just took a huge Bachelorette on our walk”
3. Triple Bogey
I golf. Poorly. I try and try every year to get better, but spending time with my kiddo has made what used to be a Sunday morning ritual more of a random act of benevolence bestowed on me by a son when he decides to sleeps in. However, because of my absence from regularly attending my 18-hole Chapel Service, I have been regularly scoring Triple Bogey’s. THREE FREAKING OVER PAR. Doesn’t matter on what hole, on what course, or on which tee box – Triple Bogey’s have become a very real and very horrible part of my life.
Uses: ”Stop acting like a major triple bogey” or ”That triple bogey just cut me off!” or “My boss is such a triple bogey.”
I’m doomed to fail miserably at this. And though my mother used every trick in the book to prevent me from cursing – from soap in the mouth to rubbing tabasco sauce on my lips – I still must have been a salty sailor in a previous lifetime.
The definition of irony would be my kiddo growing up and scolding me for being a potty mouth.
But let’s be honest, that will never Plouffe-ing happen.
**Had several beers